It has been more than a year that I have been thinking about writing something new on my blog, but nothing worked out. It seems like I have been on the cliff of a mountain, waiting for a nudge that pushes me off it. And, it seems that nudge came from my friend, Shastry a.k.a Pandit. He shared his blog with me and it was inspiring enough for me to go back to penning my thoughts. Seems that inspiration was momentary and made me pen a few thoughts before I went back to oblivion. Actually I have to blame him for this. I was writing this blog, with music blasting in my ears through my in-ear headphones that completely cut me off from the world. I never noticed that Shastry was behind me looking at my screen, though not deliberately. However, it was soon enough that I realized he is around and as soon as I did that, my thought process came to a screaching halt. But, by that time I had already written few paras. Now it has taken me couple of days to continue from where I left. This time I have to give credit to another friend for that nudge. He is actually my very good friend Manoj’s brother Atul, who is now a published author (Incredible High by Atul Kapoor). So, I thank both Shastry and Atul for the inspiration.
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Now it came down to what do I write about. If I look back, lots has happened in my life in last one year. A bit sad, a bit happy, and mostly average. Seems there is nothing unique here. I am sure that is how it is for most of us, isn’t it? Another fact is that I also do not remember a lot of details from the past year. I can conveniently attribute this to my old age. Being a 33 year old, with diminishing memory is not one of the exciting things to experience. Anyways, there are couple of incidents from the last year that I can never forget in my life. They can actually be termed as ‘life changing’, with the most significant being the ‘BREAKING’ news, my divorce, and the journey through it.
I think many in my circle know about me having marital troubles, but few know that I have been second time unlucky. I know it is a bit personal and not a great achievement to be writing publically about, but I am one of those folks who can not fight with reality and truth, and prefer to maintain an open and honest relation with it. So, instead of struggling to conceal it, I do not mind keeping it out there. I just think it makes my life a little easier.
I am very saddened by the fact that I have been unsuccessful in my marriages. Though it might have been good for one or both in the relation to get out of it, but the fact remains that it was achieved by ending a relationship that one gets into for a lifetime. I have been a big believer in the institution of marriage, but it seems I am not cutout for it. I know it sounds like a loser’s attitude, but I have been one. But does it make sense to keep fighting a loosing war or loose with whatever you are left with?
With all the turmoil and struggle that separations and divorces bring, another painful thing that you have to deal in this scenario is the pressure of perceptions. I know as humans we make perceptions, and they do influence our thoughts and judgments. At times I feel I am personally making up these perceptions about myself than actually people would. I don’t think that I am that important for the world to spend energy and thoughts to make perceptions about me, but they do :). And perceptions, yours or others, do affect you. But, as I said earlier, there is nothing bigger than truth, so have to deal with it, with a smile :).
At this stage I am not thinking much about my future on the long-term relationship front. Actually, I am not sure if I would marry again ever. However, marriage or no marriage, I know you do require a companion, but, it isn’t an easy search. Also, with my track record, I am no great shakes in identifying the right one anyways :) So, I will have to work hard to find that person. I am actually taking it as an exploration. So wish me luck and if interested, be part of it :) Cheers!
